Crisis (Shit) Happens

This is a spectacular day, isn’t it? The weather is perfect, people are smiling, the passengers are in good mood, the temperature is light, so what more can you ask? I wake up not so early though, did not take my breakfast, did not say my morning prayer, I took a bath before washing teeth, did not say good morning to some friends but still I am fine.

I have some plans for today and for the coming days in mind and not one of them is realized yet because I have so many unnecessary concerns that I prioritized like writing anything without any idea at all. Oh my grammar and English are becoming worse as expected as if I have never gone to any English class at all because of passion, I say. Passion is the only element I have now in writing this not grammar or lessons learned in school, just relying on my experience that are stuck in my brain for centuries old and now I’m putting them together in one piece. This is shit! How can I even do that that even the grade schools can never understand or read? Well, I don’t care what they will say or whether they will understand or not as long as I know that this will help me to release my emotions that are very sensitive today. Just let me speak maybe and let me express what is disturbing my life.

So I am writing today for no reason at all. I just want to write what is happening inside me right now at this very moment.

I am so disturbed of what happened to me the past days regarding my relationship. I am so distracted in my work that I can’t really concentrate in one thing I’m doing and sadly people easily recognize that which also adds to my distraction. Can they just focus on their work and family or business not so much putting concern on my life? Can they just listen and forget or feel and sleep the words and impressions that are disturbing them? If I can just please them maybe they will but I cannot presume that because that might clarify some uncertainties in their minds.

Anyway, I am still trying to figure out how to fix my life again and to put back the peace that I have lost, that sense of joy and pure energy and excitement without any personal interest or grudge to other people whether they are good or bad against me, that peace that puts me smiling everywhere I go and anything I do, that peace that only me who knows that time. That is what I wanted to feel again because today I am so really different, the old self was lost and I cannot grasp the idea of being happy. I know that a couple of days ago I was so high in love and now it seems like that love is gone and wasted. Yes, everything that happened seems worthless and no amount of price to be remembered. I am really sad and disappointed because I really thought things will just work perfectly and happily but now again somebody let go, I was busted and forgotten. Whether that is love or care, I don’t like to believe it anymore because it pains me ever more every time I remember that things now are back to normal -  no love, no motivation, no inspiration, nothing.

God, I’m sorry if I feel this way but I know you understand me right now. You now that I love you and you know that deep in my heart that you’re the most important in my life. But you also know that this feeling is my choice that I desired to feel. You know that even if this hurts me I still tried to try it because for me it makes me more of myself, significant, important, special, and loved.

So honestly it affected me intensely, when the person I love left me. If that is what is best for both of us then let it be. I will again accept it. I will accept all this pain. I just hope that she will still feel safe and loved. Actually this was my prayer before that she will find someone who will love her unconditionally where her heart will also find the same. Lord, is this the answer to my prayer? This sure surprised me and hurts me though your will be done, Lord! I know everything happens not without your consent so you know everything, every detail in us, you know them all, Lord. Just help both of us to work this pain out so that we can move on and make a life again.