Crisis (Shit) Happens

This is a spectacular day, isn’t it? The weather is perfect, people are smiling, the passengers are in good mood, the temperature is light, so what more can you ask? I wake up not so early though, did not take my breakfast, did not say my morning prayer, I took a bath before washing teeth, did not say good morning to some friends but still I am fine.

I have some plans for today and for the coming days in mind and not one of them is realized yet because I have so many unnecessary concerns that I prioritized like writing anything without any idea at all. Oh my grammar and English are becoming worse as expected as if I have never gone to any English class at all because of passion, I say. Passion is the only element I have now in writing this not grammar or lessons learned in school, just relying on my experience that are stuck in my brain for centuries old and now I’m putting them together in one piece. This is shit! How can I even do that that even the grade schools can never understand or read? Well, I don’t care what they will say or whether they will understand or not as long as I know that this will help me to release my emotions that are very sensitive today. Just let me speak maybe and let me express what is disturbing my life.

So I am writing today for no reason at all. I just want to write what is happening inside me right now at this very moment.

I am so disturbed of what happened to me the past days regarding my relationship. I am so distracted in my work that I can’t really concentrate in one thing I’m doing and sadly people easily recognize that which also adds to my distraction. Can they just focus on their work and family or business not so much putting concern on my life? Can they just listen and forget or feel and sleep the words and impressions that are disturbing them? If I can just please them maybe they will but I cannot presume that because that might clarify some uncertainties in their minds.

Anyway, I am still trying to figure out how to fix my life again and to put back the peace that I have lost, that sense of joy and pure energy and excitement without any personal interest or grudge to other people whether they are good or bad against me, that peace that puts me smiling everywhere I go and anything I do, that peace that only me who knows that time. That is what I wanted to feel again because today I am so really different, the old self was lost and I cannot grasp the idea of being happy. I know that a couple of days ago I was so high in love and now it seems like that love is gone and wasted. Yes, everything that happened seems worthless and no amount of price to be remembered. I am really sad and disappointed because I really thought things will just work perfectly and happily but now again somebody let go, I was busted and forgotten. Whether that is love or care, I don’t like to believe it anymore because it pains me ever more every time I remember that things now are back to normal -  no love, no motivation, no inspiration, nothing.

God, I’m sorry if I feel this way but I know you understand me right now. You now that I love you and you know that deep in my heart that you’re the most important in my life. But you also know that this feeling is my choice that I desired to feel. You know that even if this hurts me I still tried to try it because for me it makes me more of myself, significant, important, special, and loved.

So honestly it affected me intensely, when the person I love left me. If that is what is best for both of us then let it be. I will again accept it. I will accept all this pain. I just hope that she will still feel safe and loved. Actually this was my prayer before that she will find someone who will love her unconditionally where her heart will also find the same. Lord, is this the answer to my prayer? This sure surprised me and hurts me though your will be done, Lord! I know everything happens not without your consent so you know everything, every detail in us, you know them all, Lord. Just help both of us to work this pain out so that we can move on and make a life again.

Destiny Happens

Sometimes THINGS happen almost repeatedly, one mistake today and tomorrow the same mistake you fall. And unbelievably they happen so fast but you can track them anytime. Seriously! This is really sick! I always make the same mistake knowing that they are going the same route and end in the same feeling.

My heart once advised that the next time it happen it would be a different game, a different feeling of excitement but sadly I was wrong. I still missed the last spark to make the feeling into reality, making the ending open like a movie always creating another sequel to finally seize the whole picture and story. But, maybe there are things that just won’t work out for some people. Instead there are other things that are just meant for them. Well, I heard this from people, and they call it destiny. Crap! If this is what destiny for me, then holy crap! I just can’t figure out how to move next time. Why can’t I just make the perfect move now? I’m not comparing but some people can just perfectly find their destiny. They are already there - family, relationship, career, faith, promotion, dream house, wife or husband, etc. This is destiny, maybe. Will I just wait for the ones coming or have they arrived already that I am just blind and stupid? 

I tried to get close to this girl, known her for just a few times, met her smile and her care, her crazy stares a couple of times. It was quite perfect then. It seems like everything was crazily perfect those days. She was introduced by a friend and unlike some “first time meets” mine was just nothing. I never talked to her, never introduced really myself nor asked her anything. I just saw her in a second and that’s it she was gone. My first impression was quite fine. She looks pretty, simple but not so friendly. She never talked much to new people I guess so she was so behave and silent. Until after few weeks we met again unexpectedly in a very ordinary day. Somebody called me and fortunately it was her phone that this friend of mine used. So I was able to talk to her about her father who was then at the hospital for some medication because of leukemia. It was there when this relationship started to grow. I visited her in the hospital taking much time and effort to see her and help and console her in my own ways. So for a month we would see each other and eat lunch outside together, talk about anything, about our common friends. At the back of my mind I knew something is wrong and yet I hesitated to think deep about that. All I know someone is happy and I am happy as well. This is what they call making good memories together though I’m not so proud to say that this is really a good way of making memories for I know I have commitments. Sometimes when we go out I still feel ashamed and fearful because some people might see us and what will they say about us, about her and about me? They will surely think negatively against us even if we are just dating as friends. And that is a real issue for them when they see a committed person going out with another person. Shit! I can’t control that. But I still insisted in doing it. We dated a couple of times and enjoyed each other’s company.

The passing of days were full of passion and excitement. I began to work to be better of what I am. I cleaned my room. Gush! That was unbelievable because I don’t usually clean my room. I like it messy and unorganized though it also makes my mind dizzy. I wasted many hours in texting and calling. I even paid my bills bigger this time. Biggest so far because of this crazy life I’m working on...love, flirt, I don’t know. But I know it makes me happy and alive.

I don’t know but she also feels the same towards me, I guess. I never asked her about how she feels about me so I’m not that so sure. But as a person, I know something is also magical happening inside her. I just can’t ask her because it’s too early for that, I always tell my unreasonable mind. But there she is, she would smile back at me, call me her baby and send her affection. And that changed my life once again. I began to believe again that there are always second chances for those who believe and wait.

You know I’ve waited for so long already like more than a year just to move on and learn to let go a person I loved. This is embarrassing! I can’t easily move and forget the ones I love so much. It would really make me fall into tears especially when I am in bed. I have this selective memory where i can remember those silly words and gestures that made me happy. But those are also the memories that kill me every time they visit me. I had those worthless and energy less days. I cannot even think and focus on what I am supposed to do. I forgot to take care of myself. I just wanted to do anything just to cover the pains and the hurts every day. Even how strong I am still I cannot fight fairly the feelings that seem like cursing me and overshadowing the best opinions and character that I have. To fight the sickening emotion and tiredness I tried to keep myself busy with other things, things that can possibly fill my mind with stuff but not my heart. Yes, the heart still beats the same sound every day which really pains me with a taste of joy. I wanted to let go because the past is already not helping me to keep it but at the back of my mind I still want to remember it and smell its roses so red. This is crazy, right? I wanted to find peace but I can’t do it perfectly because peace is something that hurts, to find peace is always coupled with touching the pain as well just like the pain of letting go but keeping some of it because even a little of the memory is already peace.

It’s more than a year now and the feeling starts to subside and as it began to subside another person came. And it turns out that what happened a year ago is becoming real again today. The relationship I wanted to build, the feeling I wanted to feel and the memories I wanted to make are becoming too close. I don’t know the depth of this ending but seems its getting painful again and my fears are again resurging just like before. And just like before, I am not sure how to handle this issue again. Will I give in or give up? Will I just ignore the feeling and the good days we had or will I continue to show her affection and love? Yes, I know that from the very beginning, this was already wrong. I admit that it was really a bad decision to keep believing that there is future for both of us. Sometimes I thought to myself that there is always a possibility but I know it would be very difficult. In fact, even my imagination can hardly conceptualize the future for both of us. I just kept on thinking at least just a little maybe. But that is still wrong. I knew she also thought about that futureless relationship and she just gave in to that because it also made her feel safe and happy. But in the end, she also fainted and disappeared. I wanted before to tell her that no matter what will happen she should not give up and still I never mentioned that to her. Well maybe because I know she also cannot do it as I cannot do it as well. Now days are becoming pale and voiceless, no excitement, and just plain activities here and there just to keep the gap of my heart. But I know nothing is happening now inside and out. I don’t know what’s happening to her but I know what’s happening to me. This is life I guess and this is what they call destiny. All I have to do now I guess is to forgive the people in my life who have failed me in my expectations and forgive myself for the mistakes I have done again and again. This is my fault; this is my choice; this is my destiny. I just hope that things will go well again for me and for them. As usual, things change after some time, after some sleep, after some tears, after some smiles, after things that are destined to come and happen, only then things and my life will finally be perfect once again.